After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:   

Dear Mrs. Harris:

* Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

* We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

* Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 

* 1.   June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

* 2.   July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

* 3.   July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

* 4.    July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.  This caused the  employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money.   We don't have a Code 3. 

* 5.   August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

* 6.   August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

* 7.    August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and  blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

* 8.    August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?  EMTs were called

  

* 9.    September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

* 10.    September 10:  While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.                

* 11.   October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 

* 12.   October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

* 13.   October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 

* 14.   October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 

* 15.    Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked   " where is the fitting room? "

1. *16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly,  'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'  One of  the clerks passed out.
   

Thank you,

Your friendly Local Wal-Mart store manager